Only You Know What’s Right For You, And It’s Different For Everybody

Ever since I picked up my first self help book that I mentioned in my story last week, I have been searching for ways to improve my life. I’ve asked myself all sorts of questions such as what is my purpose? How should I behave? What character traits should I try to develop? How should I think? And so on…

I’ve been doing this for years and I’ve never really been particularly satisfied with the answers I came up with. Just this morning I think I worked out why - because I always looked outside of myself for the answers! Only I can know the answers to those questions. The problem is that there are no shortage of people who will be quite happy to answer those questions for you.

Most people only have your best interests at heart but as I have just realised, we are all inividuals and even if many of us share similar personality traits, values, opinions, beliefs, desires and so on, our combination of all of those things is unique to each of us so no one path, one way to live, no purpose, no belief system and so on can suit everybody. If there was just one single answer to all those questions then we wouldn’t have a need for all those books!

My Little Aha Moment

I’ve been reading A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle and I am almost at the end of the book now. Much of what I have read has really resonated with me and has helped me in many ways. I think the concept that has had the biggest impact is the benefit of accepting what is, because what is simply is and there is no point fighting with reality. However, other parts of the book didn’t sit so well and made me feel uneasy.

Now it may well be that my understanding of what has been written may not be what the author intended but that can’t be helped either because our very uniqueness means that we will each interpret anything we read in a slightly different way because it gets filtered through our own minds first. Eckhart says that much of our emotional pain comes from an attachment to desires which are usually rooted in ego.

For example, being attached to a particular person, a job, money, a possession and so on. The Dalai Lama says much the same thing. Reading these two authors gave me the impression that it is somehow ‘wrong’ to have any desires altogether. This does not feel good! Now one thing I’ll just mention here is that I understand the difference between desiring something and having a desperate need for it - this is a topic I shall explore in another post.

However, I’ll assume for the rest of this discussion that what is meant here is that wanting things will eventually result in pain because everything in this world is temporary. Relationships are temporary - even if you find your soul mate one of you will probably die before the other! All people are temporary because we will all die. Jobs are temporary, our youth is temporary. For some people health is temporary and so on. When we lose something that we once had, we experience pain. So I can understand the logic in not having desires in the first place - if you don’t want for anything then you won’t get upset if you don’t get it or if you get it and later lose it.

But here’s my problem, and this may not be your problem. I like wanting things! The very fact that there are things in life that I want and don’t have yet excites me, it drives me forward, it gives me a purpose, gives me something to look forward to. If I ever got to a point in life where I had everything that I wanted I think my life would be over. What on earth would I do next?

Now you see, that’s just me. I figured out a few years ago that something that is very important to me is having a sense of progress, of working towards something. I think that’s why I hate most day jobs because when you just do the same thing every day you’re not creating anything, you’re not moving forward, it all seems so very pointless. That is probably why I was attracted to software development because that is at least creative.

I’m waffling… what I realised is that for me, wanting things feels good. For others wanting things just gives them a sense of lack and that feels bad. There is no right and wrong. What feels good to me might not feel good to you and of course, only you know what feels good to you.

Listen To Your Gut

Feeling good and feeling bad are emotions, gut feelings and in can take a while to tune into them. Many people don’t trust their own emotions and instincts and always look outside of themselves for answers. They always ask for other people’s opinions. They’ll read a book and treat it as gospel and so on. This very blog is another example. Some stuff that I write might resonate with you and other stuff might not sit right, might make you feel uneasy.

The trick is to ask yourself, how does this feel? Then take what works for you and throw away the rest. This applies to everything. Influences are all around us - things we see on TV, things we hear from other people, things we read, experiences we have, thoughts that we have and so on. Even our own thoughts are not necessarily good for us! If you are thinking about something that makes you feel bad then change that thought! Okay that is a topic that can and has filled several books so I’ll come back to that one!

The point I want you to take away from this post is that only you know what is right for you and the only way you know that is by learning to trust your gut instincts. This can be hard for some people. Many people have a low sense of self esteem and they always feel the need to validate themselves against other people, they worry about what other people think and so on. Practice it - like with anything else, it’s a skill you can develop!

Stumble it!